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Desperate Record return to their Parallel Universe as they reveal Clement’s star January signings!

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The Daily Record has returned to the comfort of their parallel universe to speculate over which stars will be moving to Ibrox this month.

On Saturday Paddy Stewart did everything short of spelling out AUSTERITY to invited media partners, Keith Jackson wasn’t at all pleased with the only carrot offered being that there will be one, possibly two signings joining this month.

Phil Clement seems less than thrilled by that prospect, there is the genuine prospect that he will reject the signings suggested by Nils Koppen as he attempts to salvage something from his disastrous spell in charge at Ibrox.

Since the days of Dave Murray’s transfer moonbeams and finding billionaires in Motherwell the Record has served up a regular diet of tales from a parallel universe, having virtually given up on print sales the Parallel Universe story is now a regular part of their online content.

After pronouncing themselves happy with Jack Butland and Liam Kelly as the goalkeeping options, the Record turned attention to the dodgy Ibrox defence, currently being held together by Robin Propper:

For all of the criticism of James Tavernier in recent seasons, his record of being available for selection during a near-decade at Ibrox is remarkable. Until now. Like Butland, the captain was crocked before the Celtic clash and it has been a real problem area for Clement with Feyenoord loanee Neraysho Kasanwirjo returning to his club earlier in the season due to injury and even Leon Balogun, who can fill in it right back, having been unavailable which has forced Clement to field left back Ridvan Yilmaz in there.

Nathan Patterson left Rangers for Everton having been unable to dislodge Tavernier but times have changed in the three years since with Tavernier on the way out and the Scotland man has been linked with a return to Ibrox, where he came through the youth ranks, although a change of manager at Goodison Park with David Moyes returning could impact any chances of that.

Another priority position has to be the centre of defence. Leon Balogun was crocked in the Boxing Day clash at St Mirren with Dujon Sterling having to fill in. John Souttar is also out injured and has spent too much time on the treatment table during his career. And there have been huge question marks over Robin Propper since his arrival in the summer with the Dutchman appearing ill-equipped for Scottish football.

So Cement could probably do with an entirely new central defence. Record Sport revealed Jamaican international Richard King is on the Ibrox club’s radar but even if he was recruited, the 23-year-old would be unlikely to improve the side immediately. What this Rangers side desperately needs is experience and a new central defensive pairing of Manchester United veteran Jonny Evans and reported loan target Bamo Meite – who moved to Marseille from Lorient for £9m – could be a perfect pairing.

That’s right. Patterson, Evans and Meite are sitting by their phone, waiting on their agent calling with details of a pay-cut to join the serial losers as they try to negotiate through to the end of the season with minimal abuse from fans as the boo their ‘heroes’ at every opportunity.

Or they sit tight for now on fat salaries and see what options come their way in the summer, Evans has started six matches for Manchester United and recently turned 37.

Meanwhile there is no battle between St Etienne and Cagliari to sign Cyriel Dessers, with the state of finances at Ibrox the best that they can hope for is some late loan offers for the losers that have overseen Celtic become the World’s Most Successful Club in terms defined by the Ibrox Tribute Act and supported by their media partners.

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12 comments

  • paddybhoy67 says:

    To save money could they not just paint “Used to be … by our own reckoning.” on their best club wll?

  • Johnno says:

    As usual the scum cheerleaders spreading lies as they don’t do reality.
    The scum are in the same position as ourselves regarding this transfer window, as it will be determined by the 3 changes allowed to a European squad.
    Simple rule put in place by EUFA.
    Ourselves however, have got the room to make such changes, possibly even more than the 3 allowed.
    The scum haven’t within there planning at the start of the season?
    Hagi and the 6M dildo, possibly can’t be offloaded, so expected to be 2 of the 3 changes allowed within the European squad?
    So as there full requirements of international players has been reached, then only room for a Scottish player to be added.
    Hunbelievably Scottish media still doesn’t do reality, when good old hun scum lies will do?

  • Johnbhoy57 says:

    Why don’t they just above their sign
    The most successful club in the world

    WE DESERVE TO BE.

    • Terence Nova says:

      My guess is…Sevco’s hierarchy initially “”misled” PC on funding for players…and he accepted the ” mistake” by re-negotiating his contract…He now has them over a barrel…and he won’t be sacked…Just my opinion.

    • Clachnacuddin and the Hoops says:

      It’s funny they haven’t Johnbhoy57…

      It must’ve been galling for them having to rip the signs down –

      Even if they were PATHOLOGICAL LIEBROX. LIES !!!

  • Bob (original) says:

    1 loanee in January is probably what the new CEO regards as the ‘best case scenario’

    for Clement and his need for better players?

    Suppose this is now a real test of the manager’s abilities?

    Stuck with a squad of poor players, it’s up to the manager to direct his coaches and

    players to prepare appropriately, to grind out results as best they can?

    IF sevco finish second in the league, progress a round in the EL – and even win the SC –

    maybe then Clement could really call himself a proper manager…?

    Unless he’s punted next week, of course! 🙂

  • The Joker says:

    This playing out from the back shite get it to F**K up the park,it’s out the danger zone of our own box.
    There will be more goals lost this season through this FANNYING about shite.
    As for Ted’s tactics, just about every team in the SPFL is getting to know his system and stopping it,don’t be taking Killie for mugs this weekend,that’s what happened at the bigot dome,and we got our PANTS PULLED DOWN BIG TIME,and we took a SEVERE BEATING.

    • Jim M says:

      Agree with that point , I know it’s common practice to retain possession but as I’ve called it before a while back , it’s like watching the old program 1 man and his dog , passing side to side when teams are corralled in their own box is frustrating as hell, just waiting on the day when a commentator says the old shows catchphrase 10 out of 10 for the split .

  • Valentine's day massacre says:

    Was that a piece by ‘ Gav ‘ the alleged ‘ live sports editor ‘ at the daily Record ? Man , the succulence was dripping down from all strips of meat on this one . It must be nice when the tabloid rag affords it’s dozens of readers with a ‘ senior ‘ scoop on an imaginary story , when it’s army of other minion hacks can only justify their employment with clickbait garbage and with second and third hand conjecture yarns daily ? You the man ..big Gav !

  • Jim Duffy says:

    I agree Joker,this playing out from the back and passing from side to side or backwards to the goalie is mad,I’ve even seen us do this when 2 -0 down,had the ball at opponents 18 yard box and it got passed all the way back to the goalie, sevco sussed this ,as did Dundee,as I’m sure Killie and young boys will,high press us get in our face and we panic ,and then even the side to side passing becomes too hard for us and mistakes are then punished,this style of play used to happen under BR that last time round and even Lenny used to set his team up to play like this at times, passing triangles with the defence and goalkeeper is dangerous.

  • harold shand says:

    Whilst they do endless articles wishing Kyogo and Kuhn out the door

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