Transfer window checklist

 With one week left to the traditional slamming shut of the transfer window Oscar Pye-Jeary of Football Fancast begins the countdown by highlighting some of the tell-tale signs to look out for.

Will it be another Willo Flood experience for Celtic supporters or will the car park be jammed Robbie Keane style for the signing of a striker that every fan craves?

1. People still standing outside in front of things – People love standing in front of things. I know I do. Usually I like to stand facing them though, enabling me to get a good juicy view of the particular thing of interest I’m standing in front of, which is a luxury rarely afforded to the unenviable roving reporter on transfer deadline day, whose function is merely to stand in front of something related to the clubs his transfer report is concerning.

This is almost always a stadium or training ground, despite the fact that standing outside, in front of it affords him no advantage in gaining any insight into the transfer itself, and if anything actually hinders him, as said transfer is unlikely to be instigated, enacted or completed on the street across the road from a stadium, surrounded by an unwelcome gaggle of excitable kids all desperate to do something silly on television.

But such is the rise in prominence of self accessible Twit-formation that the quaint old television reporter is these days required to prove he’s actually doing something worthy of being paid for. They’ll still receive the crucial breaking news five minutes after everyone on Twitter, but at least they’re outside being annoyed by kids.

Probability of seeing people standing pointlessly outside in front of things – 10.

 2. Harry Redknapp in a car – People love their cars. I know I do. But Harry Redknapp loves his car more, which is why he conducts all of his interviews from it. Rarely can you switch on Sky Sports News without seeing ‘Arry beaming mischievously from out of his car window whilst telling a group of wild, roving reporters how little he actually knows about his own transfer dealings, what his players are up to, or tactics.

He does this so frequently that some reporters are stationed permanently in the Spurs car park, living only off Twiglets and discarded energy bars, waiting patiently for sustenance from the teat of wheeler dealing wisdom. Thankfully they’re kept well nourished as ‘Arry is always on the move somewhere in his car, often being interviewed toing and froing several times in a single day.

This is likely because he spends most of his days hunting bargain strikers around the country, or possibly simply because he knows if he goes home he’ll be forced into another tortuous game of Wii tennis with his son, daughter in-law and that other one no one recognises.

Probability of seeing Harry Redknapp talking from inside his car – 8

3. Wesley Sneijder signing for Manchester United – I’m pretty confident about this one. Mainly because Wesley Sneijder has already signed for Manchester United. About seven times by my reckoning, not including the once he signed for Manchester City. To be more accurate (which would be wholly out of step with the practices of tabloid journalism) he’s “agreed a deal” with United about seven times, probably about nine by the time this goes to print.

Inter Milan have agreed around four of those deals, whilst Sneijder himself has agreed personal terms twice, but also failed to agree them six times and The Daily Mirror has agreed terms with all of them at least three times a week for the last month.

Such is the declining scoop potential of print journalism that tabloids often feel the need to pre-emptive strike transfer stories in the hope of hitting at least some of their targets before the twin beasts of rolling news and the internet steal their thunder and precious, precious readers.

In this regard the Dutchman’s fourteen current moves to Old Trafford can merely be considered collateral damage. As can 8 of every 10 transfers reported in a red top.

Probability of Wesley Sneijder signing for Manchester United – 0 or 10, depending on who you follow on Twitter.

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